GRM 168.7 · Volume 3
The Gospel as revealed to me
Quotation
At the Clear Water I lived like an animal: poor but happy. And the dew and the river did not clean me as much as His words. Oh! Not one was lost! Once He forgave a murderer. I heard… and I was about to say: “Forgive me, too”. Another time He spoke of lost inocence… Oh! How many tears of regret! Another time He cured a leper… and I was about to shout: “Cleanse me too, of my sin…” Another time He cured a madman, a Roman… and I wept… and He got someone to tell me that fatherlands pass away, but Heaven remains. One stormy night He sheltered me in His house… and later He asked the steward to give me hospitality and He told a child to say to me: “Do not weep”… Oh! His kindness! My misery! Both so great that I did not dare to take my misery to His feet… notwithstanding that one of His disciples during the night instructed me in the infinite mercy of Your Son. And then, when those who considered sinful the desire of a soul to be reborn laid snares for Him, my Saviour went away… and I waited for Him… But He was also awaited by the vengeance of those who are by far less worthy of looking at Him than I am. Because I, as a heathen, sinned against myself, whereas they, who already know God, sin against the Son of God… and they hit me and they have hurt me more with their accusations than with stones and they have wounded my soul more than my body, as they led me to despair.
Oh! What a dreadful struggle against myself! Worn out, bleeding, wounded, feverish, without my Doctor, homeless, without food, I looked behind me and in front of me… My past would say to me: “Come back”, my present said: “Kill yourself”, my future used to say: “Hope”. I did hope… I did not commit suicide.